Vicky Kelly’s Scrappy World

Be Careful to Never say Never!

I remember being in church & not enjoying the singing part.  Part of that was probably the fact that I had once owned one of those funky cassette tape recorders that you loaded from the top & could hook up a microphone to.  I’d think I sounded great singing along to the soft, romantic sounds of Endless Love or Blondie’s “The Tide is High”.  Only thing is I’d wind up sounding all nasally.  Not understanding that probably it was due to poor quality sound caused by the tape recorder itself, I began a pattern of putting myself down.  And, I just plain stopped singing.  I’d occasionally do it but not often & sure as heck, this shy gal would never sing in front of anyone!

I’d get so doggone mad too at my husband for judging me if I did not sing in church.  And, he would watch me to see if I was singing.  That just made me more stubborn though lol

I continued to say, nope, won’t ever get ME up there.  I can’t compete with them.  Especially when we first attended Fellowship Bible Church in Topeka.  There is was that I first was privileged to hear the fantastically talented worship band led by Sarah Leftwich.  Her voice is just amazing!  And, the band ROCKS!  Literally!  The entire Ludwick family is amazing at singing & playing guitar.  So, if ever I found unworthy to sing in front of people it was then! 

Ironically though it was at FBC that I rediscovered how much I really enjoyed music.  In the old “gym/sanctuary” at the previous building, it’d feel like you were literally surrounded by the music.  It felt like a taste of heaven!

My next excuse was, well, I’ll wait until I’ve lost all my weight.  THEN I will maybe consider joining the choir (which is called FBC Praise there because it “ain’t your granny’s choir”!).  Well, by this time when they once again opened up the choir to anyone, we had moved into a new, gorgeous, yet comfortable building.  I believe it was sometime before Thanksgiving that I really felt a “pull” to get up there.  I still did not feel in the leagues of even the ever talented Amy Boyles (and a fun, wonderful friend!).  I’d heard her do solos at Auburn Christian Church. 

Well something happened last spring when my heart was hurt the worst it ever had been.  I had just found out a bunch of not-so-great things in my marriage.  Which led us to see S.A. marriage therapist.  Then I started seeing her on my own as well.  I began to really enjoy singing in the car.  Then I figured well why not play with it a bit, practice.  So, I did.  Pretty soon I loved doing it!  And, pretty much could care less if other people in the other cars saw me! 

Now, before I go further let me back up to childhood.  I was a shy little gal.  My grandpa (dad’s dad) used to call me “bashful”, everyone pretty much said that.  And, I was!  I was introverted, not afraid to do things but not one to go out & be loud like my big sister Susan.  One of my favorite things in life back then was to sit up in this little niche of a backyard tree & either 1)talk to myself, 2)write stories, or 3)read.  I was a great speller but chickened out of the County Spelling Bee because I knew the audience would be large.  That scared me!

Well, now I’m not sure it was so much a large audience that kept me back.  It might have been that I did not feel very pretty.  Simply, I am overweight.  I have not liked that about my appearance for a long time.  And, my teeth desperately need crowns.  Not only for cosmetic reasons but because they are exposed & I’ve had two root canals in months time because they got infected.  I’m praying for a way to do that plus a willing husband to allow it.  So, just be watching, I don’t see much reason for God to not have it happen. 

At any rate, I was the queen of every reason to not sing in front of anyone.  Too fat, not pretty like the other ladies up there (notice how I’d focus on the skinny, cute ones up there), my voice might be bad.  I don’t know a thing about music except how to sing it out loud.  Played a bit of violin back in the day but wow, that was a long time ago. 

One thing I’ve learned in the past few months in walking in faith with the Lord is that you better be careful to not say never lol  You will be challenged, sometimes within hours!  In this case it was a few weeks.  

By Christmas 2007 I was just waiting on the edge of my seat for them to hurry up & call for choir members again.  And, last week they did.  By that time I knew I was to march myself up there & do it!  God was pretty clear on that.  I did not have fears.  On my own I’d have fears.  Our church makes up over 1000 attenders on most Sundays.  That means two pretty packed services!  Now, many of those folks are people I know & have grown to love deeply.  Some I don’t know yet. 

Saturday was practice.  Oh my, I loved it!  First of all I was too early.  I think I may very well do that every time.  I felt like I was getting a free concert.  This band is that good!  I don’t even think they realize how good they are!  Gifted by God.  I’d pay to hear them, honestly.  But, I don’t have to, just show up early every month for practice lol  (shhhh…don’t tell, they might start charging, at least in a Starbucks or soda lol).  I stood there at one of the entry tables, carving away at the flourishes on a sheet of Basic Grey Two Scoops patterned paper.  And, then it was time to start.  Everyone started arriving & I felt at home immediately even though I did not know most of the members.  Except Amy Boyles.  And, Matt Ludwick who is friends with my son Chris. 

My feet were hurting within minutes standing on that riser.  But, if I could have I’d have stood there a few more hours!  It was not only fun but I felt like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing! 

Then came yesterday, the real thing.  I was hopping the minute I woke up at 6:50 a.m.  Now, backtrack a bit even more.  If you know me, you will know that as a nurse, I do not like morning shifts.  I prefer to work evenings.  I do better, that’s my natural rhythm of my body.  While not cranky in the mornings at home, I would prefer to stay up until 2 a.m. & get up at 10 if I could.  I was ready to go though!  And, got there around 8 a.m. to practice.  Which was even more uplifting. 

The services themselves were just amazing.  It was awesome to look out & see others being encouraged to worship.  Our church is not one of those where most attenders will stand still with their arms pinned down to their sides.  Clapping, raising of hands, dancing a bit.  Anything goes really if it is tasteful & pleasing to the Lord.  I saw faces of those I knew & that made me smile!  Ok, that does sound corny but hey, it’s true!

And, I felt myself letting go of inhibitions.  And, not once (until last night going to bed did I realize how unlike this is of me to do something like this) did I feel nervous or odd up there.  I know it sort of weirded out my 19 year old for a moment but he’s not used to seeing mom really give it her all in worship.  In all my years as a believer I have never walked so close to the Lord as I do now.  So, sure it probably shocked him a bit.  He did loosen up in his expressions a bit. 

So, it was cool!  And, I can’t wait until next time.  Fears?  Yep I still have plenty.  I cannot stand seeing a spider, especially if it is large or raised up on legs.  :shivers:  I do not like driving over a suspension bridge.  Then again, perhaps anything done with God’s help is doable eh? 

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