Vicky Kelly’s Scrappy World



Wow!

Once again, a lot of time lapsed since my last post.  I guess I did not feel that I had much to say.  And, life has really been busy. 

My design team at Savvy N’ Sassy will end pretty soon.  I will miss it but do not plan to run off anytime soon!  I am hoping to also head back over to Scrapbooker’s Club House soon, I miss everyone over there!

The biggest WOW thing that has happened to me is a total transformation of my faith.  I am just amazed at this.  When I realized that something was different in me I headed over to From Here 2 Scrapternity to post to someone about it.  I just wanted to tell anyone who would listen 🙂  And, I found fellow Inspiration Team member had posted a new thread titled Wow!  And, this was the perfect place to post it!  And, without meaning to, it morphed into my testimony of my faith.  Funny how that worked!  But, here is what I wrote there:

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I have been a believer since my early 20s. I have been married to my sweetie since 1987. I knew that God was a fantastic God of miracles & I even have seen many over the years. But, I cannot say I was really living in any sort of joy. And, my marriage, what a shambles! I do think I married b/c I was afraid of being alone & the fairy tale idea appealed to me. I knew that I had love for my dh but a lot of time that was mixed in with resentment, sometimes dislike, & longing for more.
And, heaven? Yes, I had head knowledge that Heaven is an amazing place. But, I’d go to church, hear how wonderful it was & say to myself, but I don’t really LONG to go there. I’m glad I’m saved but I am not ready to go off to Heaven. The idea of worshipping God forever sounded nice but was not high up on my list of things to do.
Over the years we have gone to several churches. Last year the Lord took us to Fellowship Bible. I knew totally that we were home. We did have friends there who had left our previous church so that was nice. I have enjoyed serving there but did not get very involved & chose to sit back for a time. At about March of last year was when I learned of my dh’s discretions. I learned also that I was not that much of an ice princess as I had thought & it affected me far more then I ever imagined. Hurt, disbelief but yet I had an idea that this could happen. He had shut himself off to me so much & I had built up a wall to protect myself. Even when I applied for IT here I was struggling a bit. I felt still that I should apply. I knew my faith itself was strong, perhaps I was not really living in JOY itself but I have never stopped believing what Christ did for me. But, to protect myself I kept that wall up. I grew very cynical over the years & if I saw a sappy commercial or heard lovey dovey music I’d want to stick my finger in my throat Laughing
Anyhow, we found our current small group. The first time we went it was awkward but we decided to give it a chance. And, I now know the Lord brought us there to that amazing group of believers! I really can’t say I was growing very much all these years in church until we went to FBC. Then in small groups I really began to grow & could feel it.
Our group leader, a physician was driving to KC one day to speak at a conference & pulled over to take a page. Some doofus passed on the right & Dr. Wynne was hit from behind. He really should have died it was that bad. This happened last month & he is already at church, working pt on light duty. He truly is a miracle! This was an encouragement to me as we all prayed for him & watched God perform this miracle in the life of this sweet man.
Now, this brings me to my 40th bday. I had nightmares the night before so was VERY tired the next day. Dh & I had really made some big strides in our marriage even just last month. I went thru about a week or so that I just did not want to have much to do with him. He had pulled away & I let him. But, my birthday was an amazing day & I can pinpoint that day as the turning point in my life. We went to our therapy appt. & it was then that dh really opened his heart up to me as he had not before. Afterwards in the car stirring began in my heart & I felt that “ice” begin to melt. Let me tell you this process is hard & somewhat painful! When I posted in the happiness thread about falling in love again with my dh I totally mean it has been like our dating before marriage only much richer. And, at around the same time I opened my heart up to the Lord. I am not sure which came first Laughing perhaps they work together. And, I know this is real b/c let me tell you, even suffering from depression & anxiety before, I had not had anxiety quite like right after I had this transformation! Even today, after a fantastic church service, worshipping the Lord w/so much Joy in my heart, I came home & fretted like crazy about everything. Picked a stupid fight w/my dear hunny. Came to him later & told him I was ashamed. Another thing I found is that in opening myself up to feel again & to allow growth to occur in my walk with the Lord as well as dh, I have also felt such sadness & remorse for how I used to walk into church w/such a chip on my shoulder, not really liking to sing, not really wanting to worship. Believing but not wanting to do that sort of thing. The past week I just feel so thirsty & hungry to learn more, to grow.
That makes me so happy!
I am sorry this was so long but I had to share w/someone. I have a feeling I will be sharing with others too at some point b/c this is a totally remarkable thing to me. Only the Holy Spirit could do this, to change me. I know I was a pretty nice, loving person before. But, I was not really living my life as the Lord wanted me to be, fully.

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Thoughts have followed like, “am I really sure this is for real”?  And, I realized that yes, it is very real! 

So, just this past Saturday I went in to see my wonderful therapist, Susan Adkins.  During our last marital counselling session she had suggested I come in by myself so we could work through some of my issues.  My main issue has been a major inferiority complex when I’m around my husband’s family, especially his big brother, retired Colonel in the Air Force (US) & his wife (who has a doctorate in education).  I don’t know why I allow the situation of being around them intimidate me into feeling I am not smart enough or good enough somehow.   And, I told Susan that Tom’s family was to come on Thanksgiving.  We are all going to a golf course/country club type of place because there just is not room here at my house.  I can handle having folks over to visit & have a soda/tea but to serve a big meal here (my stove only has 2 burners that work), no go.  Anyway, I think the main reason I feel this way is that a couple of years ago when we realized that my little guy Jonah, was delayed I was pushed by Tom’s family to “just take him to KU Medical Center” as that was all our insurance would cover.  I was against it & felt a strong peace when Tom & I prayed about the situation.  And, we learned of a fabulous program through a local place called TARC.  Until Jonah turned 3 years old this year we had therapists, teachers, etc. who would come to our home to help us help Jonah.  And, I wanted to have any testing done by a local doctor in neurology.  Gas prices are up, families like us cannot just run off to Kansas City on a regular basis.  And, at the time it would have disrupted our schedule.  Well my sister in law wrote this LONG email to me & Tom saying how Jonah needed to hurry up & be seen.  It became a HUGE issue with the entire family.  I was hurt, felt like I was a crappy mom, felt ganged up on, you name it I felt it.  All the while dealing with grief issues knowing that my child would have some struggles to learn basic skills.  The time period totalled to be about 3 months between learning of his delays until he was in care.  And, what I learned is that you cannot just call a given place & get in the next day.  Being a nurse I kind of knew that anyhow but I really was not perceived to be the one who knew enough about this sort of thing to believe.  All eyes were on my sister in law.  Even though I knew I had been a mom for a very long time, to a lot of kiddos, I had moments where I doubted my own knowledge.  I love to research & learn so I enjoy learning more about things like this.   So, I did have a big knowledge of early childhood issues.  And, Charlene Moran from TARC was so supportive & assured Tom that we did NOT wait too long to get him into care.  TARC did not blame us (turned out to be me as I later learned that Tom was not telling the truth & he really did agree with them & you can only imagine how much this hurt me & it really did not help me to feel any better about my own intelligence) for wanting to stay local.  And, I got Jonah approved for disability pretty quickly.  I did that so he could receive a medical card & be free to seek out whatever care he needed locally.  Dr. Katz is an excellent pediatric neurologist.  By the way, Jonah is now in a fabulous public school program for preschoolers with disabilities.  He zoomed through so many skills in the first few weeks he was there.  His feet are more aligned when he stands, he cruises quickly around furniture & is close to walking.  He does need a hearing aid & that is one thing we have chosen to do for him.  I am in the process of setting that up.  Again, we ran into issues with his ENT doctor suggesting we go to KC for his hearing aid but the school told us about a group of hearing specialists in our area that we can go to.  We really do have to take these things into consideration, I know I’d seek care anywhere in the US if it were life & death.  It’s not, it is important yes, but life & death?  No, we can seek out care here, we don’t have to rush into anything.  A few years ago I really needed time to process the situation, I did not need condemnation from relatives.  I know they’d deny it until the end of time so I really don’t consider even confronting them about this.  They would still believe my sister in law was the right one because after all she has a doctorate in education (now mind you she does not work with this age group like the preschool teachers & therapists do & TARC did).  Sadly my husband still sides with his family on this issue.  It is in the past but it still hurts & affects how I view myself.

Anyhow, that is the story of part of my hangups.  So, during my therapy appointment we talked about my fears & anxiety & how it came about.  I pinpointed two instances during childhood that really did trigger this.  Up until Saturday I had had years of dealing with racing thoughts a lot of the time.  It was exhausting because it took me stopping & praying through it & dealing with it to get relief.  Every single time it happened & that was a lot.

Susan asked, would you like to deal with this once & for all now?  I said ok, a bit hesitantly as even though I have a stronger faith now then ever, I was a bit doubtful.  She led me through a prayer.   I got the giggles because after leading me through things like “I am a beautiful, strong woman” she added “I am weird but in a good way”.  It was so spontaneous & I had said it out loud during therapy earlier.  Anyway, I did leave there with a peace.  And, today I realized that I have not had one episode of racing thoughts.  Not a one!

Originally I had shared with some of you about a huge conflict with my husband.  I have decided to edit it out.  I had shared it mainly to show just how the enemy can really attack after a person is making some headway in their relationship with the Lord.  I don’t want for anyone to feel ill thoughts towards my hubby though so that is why I zapped through some of this post.   

 Since writing the first version of this I really have continued on in joy.  This past week has been really hard.  I mean REALLY hard.  It’s crazy how a person can be in a room with a bunch of people yet feel very lonely.  I have had to turn to the Lord so many times over the past week & continue to do so. 

But, just today I have had so many blessings.  In the mail we got several bills.  I opened one first & thought okay, how are we going to pay this one, we have devoted x$ to rent.  So, I opened another one which was a check & sure enough, more then enough to go ahead & pay the bill plus groceries!  Then at Hobby Lobby (buying a few things to make some gifts) I ran into Jonah’s former Occupational Therapist.  I really miss her so much!  She is a sweet person but left her job so she could work PRN & be with her kids more.  She left right before Jonah aged out of TARC.  Then we had a wonderful worship time at Celebrate Recovery.  I really did not think I needed the meetings, no way, not me!  Haha!  Well turns out I did need them, if not for the fact I am a bit neurotic & as messed up as the rest of the world (if you don’t think you are you may be in denial!) but I need the friendships.  And, right now, I need church.  Church on Sundays is fabulous but it’s even more so now that I can go on Fridays as well. 

Anyway, we came home & I was reading on FromHere2Scrapternity about our Inspiration Team call.  I had applied for another term & did not realize I had made it!  I am very excited, honored & blessed to get to stay another 6 months! 

All in all, the past week from when I wrote this post, to the time I edited it (Fri. 11/23), it’s been a hard week but one filled with so many blessings reminding me that God is here & in control 🙂


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  1. * Barby says:

    Vicky,
    Thank you for sharing your heart in your blog and yourself by coming to visit. May your spiritual journey continue to thrive. I enjoyed catching up with you both ways. Please keep in touch.

    Blessings,
    Barby

    | Reply Posted 9 years, 6 months ago


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